Oct 23, 2011

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 7

To recap from last post:
* We had needed funding for Lindsay
* We had some help, but couldn't find what Lindsay really needed.
* I had lost steam.... fast and hard.

I picked up the phone and called this Bert guy on the business card. How I was able to get to him directly is still a miracle to me. I started at the top. He was compassionate and kind and referred me to a gentleman named John, who was in charge of the Kelowna area and beyond.

When I chatted with John, he informed me that they did not have any homes for respite. They only had full care group homes. They also did not have any day programs available in Kelowna. However, he did say that he would like to meet with me the next time he was in Kelowna, so that we could explore some possibilities that Bethesda may be able to create for Lindsay.

He informed me that in order to have a formal meeting with him, we as parents would have to write a letter of intent that would clearly state that we are looking for Bethesda to provide future care for Lindsay.

This was no small thing. This was a colossal, crying, letting go, giving over, surrender, years of love and care formed into words, kind of letter.

This letter had to clearly stated that we were unable to do this on our own and needed help, and chose Bethesda to be the help. It's not that Bethesda was taking her, but we had to have a very clear letter of intent from us as parents even to pursue this relationship with Bethesda.
I fought this inside my soul. BIG TIME.

And yet, this man John, also knew God as his best friend. We had the same spiritual values. I felt like I could trust this stranger and that he could help us, somehow, someway.

Something made me push forward, even though it was the most heart wrenching letter I have ever written.

If I thought I was worn out before... after writing this letter, I felt like an old soppy dishrag. I had no tears left.

The day for the appointment with John came and off I went to the coffee shop, holding back the dam of emotions within. This was scary.

Maybe I should call it off. 
Maybe this is a bad idea. Why am I so emotional?
What am I doing? God are you here?

There in the middle of the coffee shop, I pulled out the letter and read it aloud to John. Tears were flowing down my flushed cheeks like hot lava on. I could hardly read the words aloud, and had to stop often to compose myself. Right there in the middle of the coffee shop.

This was hard. Almost unbearably hard. And yet I had this deep sense that my best friend was right there with me.

You may be thinking... woah girl... chill... it's just a letter.

But for me it was so much more than that. I didn't even understand the magnitude of what was really going on. I could only see in part, but my heart knew it was a big thing. It was a letter of surrender to God's best. To me, surrender doesn't mean failure. It means submitting to what is best.

Surrender : to relinquish to the control or possession of

Over the years I've developed a saying that captures my thoughts and perspective about surrender.
It's this:

Be willing to be willing.

Ingredient #6 for a miracle:
Be willing to be willing.
When your heart says yes, take the next step. 
Tell your emotions to follow suit and do it afraid.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

AS a mother I can only try and imagine your pain and the trust you had to have inside of you to let go and give yourself and Lindsay over to God....you trusted and he heard your need...such love...from a mother to a daugther and from a father to his children...God Bless you Cheryl, you and yours, always...