Oct 31, 2011

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 11

Recap from last post:
* You are getting impatient to find out the rest of the story.
* I am excited to tell you the rest of the story.
* Good things come to those who wait, and hope, even when they see nothing.

One day in late October 2006, the phone rang. It was John. The man from the Bethesda organization.

You're not going to believe this. I really can't believe this. He said.
But a bed has just become available in one of our Kelowna homes. 
This is very unexpected.

John proceeded to let me know that he had 4 families with all the paper work done, and approval for a group home. They all wanted Bethesda.

Where is Lindsay's paperwork? I can't seem to locate it. He asked.

Ahh.....well, you see I didn't fill out the paperwork. The social worker has not been available to help me and I just couldn't do it myself this time. It was too overwhelming, too heart-wrenching, just too much. Frankly, I just needed to make it through the summer. I said in quiet, somewhat scared voice.

My heart was pounding...... Racing.

Well, we have 4 other families wanting this bed, AND we have prayed about it and we really think it should be Lindsay.  He said, very simply.

What happened to the waiting 10 years thing? I thought to myself.
In an instant a zillion thoughts whirled through my head:
  • I'm not ready for this.
  • This is too soon.
  • This is impossible.
  • I don't have any paperwork, anything done.
  • I'm not ready.
  • We're not ready.
  • She's not ready.
  • But she's like a baby, I can't give you my baby! I don't care how nice you are.
Somehow I mumbled out some words to him. To this day, I have no idea what I said. All I remember is that we chatted for a while and I cried alot.

This was unexpected. Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out in left field.
My head was spinning. My heart was squishing. The crushing, squeezing, jump off a cliff kind of squishing.

Listen. He said calmly but firmly.

My colleague and I are coming into town next week. I want to set up a meeting with you and your husband and I will talk you through this and help answer any questions that you have. 
But know this: It will be a long and tough meeting for your heart. Be prepared. We are going to seriously talk about the reality of Lindsay coming to Bethesda. 

How on earth can you prepare for something like this?
How do you prepare for a tearing in your heart?
Sometimes it's just by be willing to be willing. 
Sometimes is just saying yes, scared and all.

If you don't have a special needs child, you cannot understand the anguish, the grief, of letting go.
It's a daily balance of grief, perseverance, tenacity, determination, finding hope and letting go all mushed into a 24 hour period. Day after day.

Over the years, we have had well meaning people suggest that we just put Lindsay in a home, so that we could have relief.

It's not that simple.

Life with a special needs child is anything but simple. The more "special" they are, the harder it is to allow others to care for them. Not because we think others can't do it, but that their needs are highly unique. They are extra ordinary. Anything less just won't do and can create a whole host of difficulties for the child.

The love that we share is very unique. I believe God designed it that way.
I have learned to love in ways I had never imagined. And some days, this love is the only thing that keeps you from giving up.
It pushes you to keep trying, keep believing.

Our children use our voices to advocate for what they need. It's like being an interpreter for someone with a hidden, unknown language, culture, diet and whole way of being. Only the interpreter can fully understand, know and represent the person.

Nothing simple about it.

There is nothing ordinary about being a princess.

 Now, back to the story.

I booked the appointment with John, even though my heart was racing. The only thing that made me say yes was a sense of curiosity mixed with the deep knowing that this man was given to us by God. I felt like I could trust him.

Nothing else made any sense to me and scared the bi-geepers out of me.

Sometimes you just have to say yes to the next step right in front of you.
Just say yes. And take a deep breath.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.

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