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A great big thank you to the many many people who read the story of The Making Of A Miracle.

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It will be worth it. God's work always is.

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 13

Recap from last post:

* A list of dreams, desires and demands that had been written at least 3 years earlier, was right in front of our eyes. No one knew about the perfect match up but us. Us and God.

The meeting was on a Thursday. We invited John into our home and spent the next 3 hours or so talking. At the start of the meeting he thanked us for welcoming him into our homes....our lives. He let us know that he and his colleague had traveled 4 hours from the coast to see us this fall day. On the 4 hour journey, they prayed for us and our family. God had told them that Lindsay was to be the one that they welcomed into this new available bed. (who does this?)

We spent hours talking about Lindsay's unique needs, her history, etc. John listened, wrote lots of notes and asked all the right questions. He talked to us about the process of accepting Lindsay into the home and what it would require of us as a family. He spoke of being courageous. He listened to every fear and responded with answers that continued to bring peace, even though our hearts were screaming.... I'm scared!

Then he said:
I know that all the forms have changed for the government and you have not been able to fill them out, so, on the weekend I went online got the forms and filled them all out for you.
Who does that? On his day off no less?!

I filled them all out for you.

You have no idea what this means. It means hours of agonizing meetings, rehashing all that has been difficult, unique and rare about your child. This is not easy. Nope. Hard, grueling, almost torturous. It means saying: I can't do it. It makes you feel so incapable as a parent and defies the very perseverance you have leaned on all of the years.

I filled them all out for you.

Those words echoed into my heart and right down deep into my soul. Immediately the day in May came to my mind, when I whispered a feeble prayer:

God, if you want me to do this.... I need you to make this easy for me.

I burst into tears.....again.......for the zillionth time in this story.

Right then and there I told John and my husband about the prayer that I had almost forgotten. We cried and felt completely overwhelmed and humbled at the perfection of the gift that had just been offered.

It couldn't be easier than this. (except for the fact that my heart was wrenching in shock, fear and bewilderment).

This man had taken what should have been our responsibility and labor and did it for us. We didn't do anything. Just like that. It was done. All we had to do was to sign the forms. (better interpreted as let go and say yes. Or let go and let God).

Then, he said:
I have to go now because I've got another appointment now with your social worker's boss's boss and I'm going to push this. You need to get prepared. We are going to push this through. We know that Lindsay is the one that is to be in this home. 
Her personality, unique needs and joy are a perfect fit for the 3 other individuals living in the home. God told us it is to be her.

Oh, and by the way. This home is an adult home and Lindsay is still a youth. We've never taken a youth into an adult home. It just doesn't happen. There are different funding umbrella's, requirements etc. It's a lot of red tape. We've never done it before, but we are going to cut through that red tape and make it happen.

My husband and I just stared at each other. We were speechless.
 
We didn't know how to respond. Laugh, cry, scream, wail. What?!

How can you even express when a miracle is standing right in front of you?
Part of you is wondering if you are dreaming.
Part of you says, this is uncharted territory.. don't do it. NO... this is too fast. NO, I can't!

We thanked this man who had now become our advocate extraordinaire.
We had no words to express our gratitude AND our fear of letting go.
So, we just said thanks and closed the door.

Insert BIG SIGH.
Now what?!
What if this whole thing was a bad idea?
What if it was just wishful thinking?
Or was it a set up......... a master plan?

Our eyes of faith were becoming less blurry.
We could see custom designed answers that only God could know.
ONLY GOD could know.
This kept us moving forward.......scared.

We turned to our sweet pea and wept some more.
Meanwhile.... she smiled and giggled, enjoying all the attention of her two favorite attendants.
She was (and always is) oblivious to the anguish, to the tearing. All she sees is love and adoration.

Thoughts kept whirling in and around our mind for days. We had to talk to our kids about it.
That was a major process in itself. They had their own fears and anguish to deal with.
They were fiercely protective of their sister and thought that the only perfect place for her was home.

We let them process, just like we had. We took them to the place, we listened and we went on with life as usual.

A few short weeks later, John called and informed us that it had been approved. Now we needed to set up a date of arrival for the princess.

I was getting REALLY anxious now. I needed to know that she would be understood. That she would be cared for perfectly.

He offered to let me create a manual of care for Lindsay and said that I could go to the home as much as I needed and train all of the staff. That brought me some relief.

The next few weeks were a whirwind of activity.
I had a lifetime of experience to write down on paper. I had a book of signals and unspoken words and movements to interpret into a language that the staff could understand.
I created "what to do if" lists, and "don't do this" lists.
I created a "what to wear" and "what not to wear" recommendations.
I taught them how to do her princess up do's and hairstyles. I was not willing to settle for anything less. And they, in turn, became willing learners, eager to give the princess what she rightfully deserved.

It was H-A-R-D.
I needed to find a way to celebrate this, instead of making it into a mourning process.

So, I decided to paint her room.

I went all out.

Princess power was the theme.











  I wanted it to be bold and bright and convey a message to the staff that they were taking care of royalty.

Taking care of Sweet Pea was no ordinary job. This was highly specialized work that required the extraordinary human beings. I wanted them to feel it as soon as they entered her room.

I wanted them to see what I saw. What God saw.

I painted a favorite verse on her wall that said:

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I brought Lindsay to the home each time I painted and used the weeks of preparation to slowly get her (and more importantly me) used to the new environment and new people. Every chance I got, I would teach the staff another new tidbit about the princess. They graciously listened, I mean, REALLY listened. We grew closer together. Trust was building.

One day in December, as I was painting her new room, I was talking to God about this whole process. I was letting Him know how afraid I was.
I had chosen to be thankful for the unexpected gift and decided to just move forward - afraid. I had no trouble letting Him know my thoughts and fears. That's what best friends are for.

It was still heart wrenching. I was facing my greatest fear of letting go.
I needed something more to get me through this. 
God help, this is really hard. Is this really You?

As I swished the brush onto the wall, I remembered the October the 13th date.
Huh! I thought. That's weird. 

My mind wandered to the entry in my husbands calendar.
It wandered to the actual day and it's events. So weird. Doesn't make any sense.
Huh....... I wonder....... I wonder if......

Then......I don't know why, but I walked out of the room right up to the manager of the home and said:

I know this seems like a crazy, weird kind of question.......
But did anything happen here on October the 13th?

She just stared at me, looking kind of startled and shocked.
She pulled me aside.
Well, yes. she said in a quiet, whipser like voice.

That's the day the bed (the spot for Lindsay) became available.
How did you know? She said.
I didn't. I said.

I went on to explain the crazy story of the message from God almost a year earlier.

We just stared at each other.
This meant more to me than she could or would ever know.
Once again, I was speechless. (as you can see by my lengthy posts, this is a feat in itself).

All of the months, all of the unexpected meetings, all of the various people involved, all of the asking, all of the seeking, made sense.

I was completely dumbfounded and overwhelmingly grateful all at the same time.
This was the answer I needed to let go.
I needed to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that "this place" was "THE place".
 
It didn't matter if anyone else understood this or got it. I got it. We got it.

We had been the recipients of a miracle in the making.

God knew that I needed extra assurance that this was the right thing, the perfect thing, for our princess.
I needed one more sign, one more word, to silence any doubts both here and in the future.
This was it.
On October the 13th I am going to do something for you.

And He did.
Beyond what any one person could orchestrate or imagine or configure.
The above and beyond all you could ask or ever imagine kind.
The kind of miracle that is custom made for a princess.

It took a whole host of people to implement.
It took the Master hand of God.
AND it took a willingness to wait, to be bold, to ask for more, to hope, to be willing to be willing, to say yes and face the fear.

Often I look back and wonder....

• what if we tried to move to Kelowna in our own way.. not God's way?
• what if we never moved to Kelowna?
• what if my dad hadn't stopped at Bethesda?
• what if my husband thought he was hearing things, and wrote off God's voice?
• what if I hadn't made a phone call?
• what if John didn't take the time to care about us as a family?
• what if I hadn't asked for what I wanted?
• what if we were too afraid and just said no?

The possibilities for a different ending are endless. It's a miracle in the making that I will NEVER forget. (and now will have in print forever).

Looking back,  I have learned that I never did let go. I never gave up. I never lost anything.
I gave over to the best.
I gained a new family and more time to have fun with her.
I got to choose to invite others into the privilege of caring for our precious princess.
She's too spectacular not to share.

She needs the team at Bethesda, but more importantly, they need her.
They need her healing smile, her infectious giggle, her simple outlook on life. We all do.

My heart is daily filled with gratitude at this miracle, these people, this place, this princess and this miracle, given by God.
I will be forever grateful. October the 13th was the day a miracle happened that I will never forget.

Thanks for reading the story, taking the journey with me, and celebrating this miracle in the making.

What story is waiting to be written just for you?

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 12

Recap from last post:

* Life as I knew it was swirling upside down. I had years of Lindsay's severe health issues turn my world upside down (over and over) and I had learned to ride that wave. But this..... this.... I had NO grid for. This was uncharted territory of a foreign land. It scared me.

A few days later, John left a message on our phone.

Seeing as we are coming next week and we serious about this, I think you need to go and see the home before we have the meeting.

Woah, slow down! This is going way too fast. I thought.
I can't do that! I don't want to do that. 

Nothing, aside from building the "perfect home" for Lindsay would ever match my expectations.
This princess can only have one kind of castle, and it would have to be perfect..

John left the name and phone number of the manager at the home and asked me to book a visit.

Woah... slow down Mister! I thought.
Now my heart was pounding in my throat.
I picked up the phone and called my husband immediately.

My husband has always been a black and white kind of guy. It often takes me time, consideration, and a ton of verbal processing to come to a conclusion. Not Sid. His response was almost instantaneous.

Ah... NO! He said very bluntly.
Underneath his words was this rage like a wolf protecting his young. Ain't nobody gonna touch my baby that I have nurtured and cared for daily for 17 years!

We are not ready for this. I'm not ready for this.

It's very nice of them, but I can't do it. I'll talk to John. He said very matter of factly.
The conversation was done. 
My heart moved back down into my chest and I could breathe again.

He's right. We aren't ready. We don't HAVE to do this. I told myself.

But inside I had this wild curiosity about this man, this place, this call, this opportunity. The curiosity did not lessen, it only intensified.

My husband called John and had a lengthy conversation. They chatted about the opportunity, the meeting, the place and most importantly the princess and the deep love that he had for our sweet pea.
He told John of Lindsay's unique needs and the load that it had placed on our family. He thanked him for this gracious offer, but let him know that we just weren't ready. He just couldn't do it.
The conversation was done.

That evening, after the kids were asleep, we laid in bed chatting and somewhat praying about this crazy phone call.
Our emotions bounced all over the place until we became exhausted, prayed a bewildered prayer to God for clarity and relented to sleep.

The next day John called back.
He insisted that we go see the home and have the meeting. He had been praying about it and asked if we would just take this step.

Ingredient #8 for a miracle.

You're never done, unless you choose to be done.

Accepting a miracle in the making can mean saying yes when you want to say no.
Be willing to be willing.

Am I dreaming? I thought. This is Ridiculous. Impossible. Crazy. 
Breathe Cheryl. Just breathe. Just take the next step. 
No one is forcing you to do anything. 
Besides that, it won't be what she needs, it probably won't be a good fit or measure up. Nothing ever has.

That evening I told my husband about the call from John and his request. I told him that I said yes.

You can go then! But I'm not! My husband said in a flustered huff.

That's when the same courageous (who is this woman) kinda surge rose up in me again, just like the day I had asked for Bethesda. 

Well, I'm NOT going by myself. You are coming with me, or we're not going at all! I sputtered.

Fine! He blurted.
Fine! I blurted back.

On we went with our normal routine of the evening. Dinner, homework with our son, feeding Lindsay, bathing her, diapering and putting her to bed. The chores drowned out our racing emotions.

The day of the viewing arrived.

By then I had this vague recollection of a list that we had created when we were back in Ontario.
Years earlier, we had met with families for months. We all dreamed of building a home for our kids that would suit their needs perfectly. At the meetings we all decided to write a list of "non-negotiable's" for our child. These were unique, one-of-a-kind provisions that had that had to be present for our children. Absolutely non-negotiable. Completely custom made lists that would only matter to them... to us.

We pulled up to the driveway. Both of us were a bundle of nerves.
We were surprised to discover that it was only 10 minutes from our home was nestled into a quiet street that backed onto a gorgeous popular green-way that extended throughout the city.

We rang the doorbell, and tried to calm our breathing.

Rita, the manager opened the door and greeted us warmly.
She invited us in and started showing us around.
My eyes and nose were on high alert. I don't like homes that smell like hospitals.

Sniff, sniff. Hmmm. It smells like a delicious roast beef dinner in here. Certainly not what I had imagined and experienced before.

As we wandered around, from room to room, my vision became blurred, with overwhelming tears.
After viewing the "empty room", we both stopped and began to weep, uncontrollably.

Only God and the other families in Ontario knew what our list of non-negotiable's were.
This place had EVERY ONE of the things on the list. Right down to the fact that Lindsay needed 2 blinds on her windows to block out any early morning sunlight.

We had always dreamed of having a kitchen as the central place in the home with hallways all around it so that Lindsay could walk and wander safely to her heart's content. They were here. There were windows all around the kitchen so anyone could peer in and see what was going on, without being exposed to the dangerous stove.

The floors had no carpet. Another non-negotiable.
There were loads of windows pouring in sunlight.
There was a covered deck to keep the sun's heat away.
There were only 4 beds and fantastic one on one care, tailored uniquely to each individual.

Our non-negotiable list was VERY long and detailed. (almost impossible to achieve)

This place had EVERYTHING ON THE LIST. NOT ONE THING WAS MISSING. I kid you not.
Not only that.. there were a few other items added that we didn't even know we wanted.

I'm not sure how the meeting ended. It's all a blur now. All I know is that we both walked away empty of tears, flushed, flustered and completely undone. Now we were really messed up.

What was going on?! We had no clue.
All we knew is that a secret list was matched perfectly with this place called Bethesda.

This alone gave us enough faith to go into our meeting in a few days.

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 11

Recap from last post:

* You are getting impatient to find out the rest of the story.

* I am excited to tell you the rest of the story.

* Good things come to those who wait, and hope, even when they see nothing.

One day in late October 2006, the phone rang. It was John. The man from the Bethesda organization.

You're not going to believe this. I really can't believe this. He said.
But a bed has just become available in one of our Kelowna homes. 
This is very unexpected.

John proceeded to let me know that he had 4 families with all the paper work done, and approval for a group home. They all wanted Bethesda.

Where is Lindsay's paperwork? I can't seem to locate it. He asked.

Ahh.....well, you see I didn't fill out the paperwork. The social worker has not been available to help me and I just couldn't do it myself this time. It was too overwhelming, too heart-wrenching, just too much. Frankly, I just needed to make it through the summer. I said in quiet, somewhat scared voice.

My heart was pounding...... Racing.

Well, we have 4 other families wanting this bed, AND we have prayed about it and we really think it should be Lindsay.  He said, very simply.

What happened to the waiting 10 years thing? I thought to myself.
In an instant a zillion thoughts whirled through my head:

• I'm not ready for this.
• This is too soon.
• This is impossible.
• I don't have any paperwork, anything done.
• I'm not ready.
• We're not ready.
• She's not ready.
• But she's like a baby, I can't give you my baby! I don't care how nice you are.

Somehow I mumbled out some words to him. To this day, I have no idea what I said. All I remember is that we chatted for a while and I cried alot.

This was unexpected. Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy out in left field.
My head was spinning. My heart was squishing. The crushing, squeezing, jump off a cliff kind of squishing.

Listen. He said calmly but firmly.

My colleague and I are coming into town next week. I want to set up a meeting with you and your husband and I will talk you through this and help answer any questions that you have. 
But know this: It will be a long and tough meeting for your heart. Be prepared. We are going to seriously talk about the reality of Lindsay coming to Bethesda. 

How on earth can you prepare for something like this?

How do you prepare for a tearing in your heart?
Sometimes it's just by be willing to be willing. 
Sometimes is just saying yes, scared and all.

If you don't have a special needs child, you cannot understand the anguish, the grief, of letting go.
It's a daily balance of grief, perseverance, tenacity, determination, finding hope and letting go all mushed into a 24 hour period. Day after day.

Over the years, we have had well meaning people suggest that we just put Lindsay in a home, so that we could have relief.

It's not that simple.

Life with a special needs child is anything but simple. The more "special" they are, the harder it is to allow others to care for them. Not because we think others can't do it, but that their needs are highly unique. They are extra ordinary. Anything less just won't do and can create a whole host of difficulties for the child.

The love that we share is very unique. I believe God designed it that way.
I have learned to love in ways I had never imagined. And some days, this love is the only thing that keeps you from giving up.
It pushes you to keep trying, keep believing.

Our children use our voices to advocate for what they need. It's like being an interpreter for someone with a hidden, unknown language, culture, diet and whole way of being. Only the interpreter can fully understand, know and represent the person.

Nothing simple about it.

There is nothing ordinary about being a princess.




 Now, back to the story.

I booked the appointment with John, even though my heart was racing. The only thing that made me say yes was a sense of curiosity mixed with the deep knowing that this man was given to us by God. I felt like I could trust him.

Nothing else made any sense to me and scared the bi-geepers out of me.

Sometimes you just have to say yes to the next step right in front of you.
Just say yes. And take a deep breath.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.

Making Of A Miracle - Part 10

Recap from last post:

* We found a forgotten note from God.

* We had no idea what it meant, or if it was real.

* Occasionally we got curious and somewhat hopeful that something may happen on October 13th.

I know.................your curiosity is peaked now, isn't it? Good! 

I hope your perspective and desire to believe are as well.

You too have an incredible story that God wants to write with your life. 

Early October, we were reminded of "the 13th day" in Sid's calendar and we began to get really curious about it.

What could it be? Could it even be anything? If it was... what would it be?

It felt like we were kids trying to sort out whether that gift under the Christmas tree was for us, and if it was, what was in it?

Friday October the 13th came and went. Many people are really superstitious about this day.
Here's how the day shook down for us:

• I had a fender bender in a parking lot. The person that hit me did not want to take any responsibility for it. Seeing as it was in a parking lot. We were stuck with repairing the dent.

• My husband got to wander in the woods and spend some time hunting.  That day a whole group (herd) of Cariboo ran across his path. It was spectacular. 

When Sid arrived home, we assessed the "Friday October the13th" situation. We were somewhat puzzled.  

The situations didn't seem to match the revelation. 

It actually felt somewhat anticlimactic.

A fender bender certainly didn't match any of the hopes and imaginations.
Seeing the Cariboo were spectacular and caused Sid to be grateful...... but, it also caused him to feel as though maybe he had somehow missed the mark.

Maybe we were over thinking this date thing.

Maybe this hunting experience was the "thing" that God was going to do.
I mean, how great is that to be out in the mountains and see God's nature come rushing by? 

We decided to take the perspective that we could see God's handiwork in the day, and that maybe that's all it was ever meant to be. Sid got to be somewhere that he loved and got see something that he he had never seen before. That was a gift. We could be good with that.


Onward we went. 
Completely unaware of the Master Plan. 

Oblivious to the Miracle in the Making. 
Sometimes miracles hide.



 

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 9

Recap from last post:

* I knocked on a door that seemed to stay shut
* Challenges were still on the horizon
* I boldly asked for something that I apparently could not have

Summer proved to be as long as I thought it would. The Okanagan is wonderfully hot and desert like in the summer. Unfortunately Lindsay doesn't do well with heat, so our options for activities were extremely limited. Seeing as there was no summer camp or day program, Lindsay had no regular routine, which converted to a massive dose of yelling and Barney. It definitely takes its toll on your level of patience and sanity. My level was getting real low.

About mid July I was in my husband's office helping him do some bookings for his work travels that would be coming up in the fall. As I reviewed his calendar for possible openings, I noticed that he had something booked on a weekend that may be an option for travel. October the 13th had a booking.
I opened the calendar entry on his phone,  and all it had was a booking that said:

God is going to do something.

What on earth? I thought with a spark of curiosity.

Hey babe, what is this in your calendar? It says God's going to do something and its written down on October the 13th?

What?!!! He said.

You have something booked on your calendar for October the 13th. It says, God is going to do something. What on earth does that mean? I inquired.

Let me see that.  He said as he pulled his phone from my hands.

He had a puzzled look and stared off into the recesses of his memory.  Then he said:

Oh ya.. now I remember! 

I don't know. I was praying one morning back in the beginning of the year, and I think I heard God say: 

On October the 13th, I am going to do something.

It made no sense to me but it was SO strong and it felt so real that I felt like I had to write it down somewhere to remember it. So, I put it in my calendar.

I just stared at him, blinking, trying to find words. 

Um....Do you have any idea what He is going to do? I said.

Nope...

I just thought I'd write it down. I actually totally forgot about it, until today. He said.

Well that's kinda weird. I said.

Are you sure this was God?

I mean this has never happened where you think God talked to you about a date on the calendar! 

Are you sure?!! I inquired. 

This was a wee bit downright weird and out of character for my husband, and frankly, what we knew of God and our friendship with Him.

We chatted about it for a while. Then we started wondering if it could be true. 

Could God be this specific? And if so... Why? What for?

Maybe Sid was hearing things.. maybe he ate too much pizza the night before... maybe it was wishful thinking... 

We had more questions than answers and yet we felt child like and as though we had discovered a secret.

After much chatting, we came to the conclusion, that God had spoke to Sid and it made no sense to us.

We laughed and said:  Well... we'll see when October the 13th arrives! 

Back we went to our daily duties and responsibilities and the conversation with God and the date quickly vanished from our memories.

In the next few months, the thought of October the 13th came to our minds whenever we came across the calendar and saw the " God is going to do something" scheduled in. 

In those moments we would wonder like a child does when their mind wanders to a fantasy world.  And then, life would quickly snap us out of a dreamland and back to reality. Real quick. 

Sometimes reality is a far away from a miracle as you can possibly get.

That doesn't mean God is not there or that He doesn't care.

He's working behind the scenes.

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 8

Recap from last post:

* I had a meeting with a stranger who felt like a brother.

* I had written a letter that had shaken me to the core.

* I had no idea what was happening. 

As I read the letter, John just listened. Then, he asked more questions. The kind that cause you to think that this person really cares. He turned out to be an extremely knowledgeable, kind, strong leader with a heart the size of China and an ability to listen with ears as big as Dumbo.

He let me know more about their organization and the core values that they believed in. I liked what I heard. He informed me that Bethesda had 2 group homes in the Kelowna area that were full. They took great care of their clients and they often lived really long lives.

Well that's fine. I thought. I'm not looking for a group home right now.
In our conversation John knew that we had spent a year in Ontario meeting with other parents of special needs children. Our goal had been to plan for a home for them all that would be a "dream home" that would meet the unique needs of each of our children. I left that dream behind in Ontario, or so I thought.

He recommended that I go to the government and start the application for Lindsay to live at Bethesda in the future. It let me know that it was a really long process and even after you are approved, it is about a 10+ year wait.  

I let him know that I wasn't looking for a group home right now, but seeing as he said it would take 10+ years, I thought that I would follow his recommendation. Just the thought of it created anxiety in my heart. He coached me on how to proceed with requesting an application and he warned me that the government would not make it easy. It would be tough plowing. He encouraged me to at least start the process and to continue to be strong and bold throughout the long road ahead.

I had become familiar with tough plowing. I could do it again.  But inside I thought...

I just can't plow that hard any more. God, I need some help!
 
At the end of the meeting, John said he was going to go back to head office and do some research on whether they could create some day programs in the future or help me find respite workers. It would take time. He would keep me posted. In the meantime, I could do my part and start the process.

As I walked to my car that day, I let out a ginormous sigh and said:

God, if you want me to do this... I need you to make this easy for me.

Those 17 words had more meaning than 17 chapters of a riveting novel.

So, back home I went, booked another appointment and jumped right back into the business of life.

About a month later, I had my appointment. To my surprise, my social worker did not attend, but instead her boss, Peter was here in this room again with me.

He listened to me speak about how we were becoming weary and that we wanted to look at options for the future for Lindsay. I let him know of my meeting with Bethesda and that I wanted to at least start this long process. I told him about our meetings with parents in Ontario and how I had a dream to create a home that would meet all the needs of Lindsay, right down to the last little detail.

He graciously smiled and said:

There is no way that we will put Lindsay in a group home. That is not how we do it here.
If you are unable to care for Lindsay, we will just give her to another family.
A foster family will take care of her.

That statement got my blood boiling! I was about to explode with emotions.

Another family!!!! I said.

How could another family possibly take care of her better than her own?!! She needs constant care! She needs a whole team of help. I said.

We'll just give them more support. He said.

More support???!! I said, trying to hold back the rage that was swirling inside of me.
I felt like I was about to roar like an angry lion.

I proceeded to tell him all the reasons why that would be a completely unreasonable, unsafe and crazy idea for Lindsay.

Didn't he know that she needed things a certain way? 
No regular home and family could accommodate that!!!! She would be at risk for injury and a whole host of other things!! 

There was NO WAY I was going to say yes to that!
I was mad! The alarm bells of danger were going off inside of me like an ambulance rushing to the scene of a crash.We bantered back and forth. Him giving his reasons, me giving mine. We were at a standstill.


And then......something shifted. The rage inside me became channeled into a calm surge of courage.
Am I allowed to ask for what I want? I inquired.

Yes. He said. But you are not going to get it.


Well....... I WANT Bethesda. I blurted.
Who was this woman who just blurted this?!! I asked myself.

You can ask, but you are not going to get it. He said very matter of fact like.
Then I proceeded to let him in on the same story I told the social worker, a few months earlier.

My daughter is really important, to me and to God. You see, she is a princess...
On and on I went, informing him that a princess needs a whole host of workers. (more than one family.) 
It's just the way it is.

We were on different pages. He looked at me with a blank stare like I had seen before.

He informed me that there was a brand new system being instituted for the application process. Due to that fact, my social worker was in a season being re-trained to fill out the forms. She would not be available and once she was, there was a waiting list to even start the process.

He knew that I had lots of experience with filling out forms so he offered them to me and gave me a website where I could learn a whole new system and start to fill out the forms on my own. He let me know that I would hear from my social worker for an appointment in about 3 months time, after summer was over.

After summer? Nice. Summer... oh no...

I thanked him and took the information from him. The meeting was over. No apparent progress.
What a great way to spend an hour or so.

Here I was, seemingly right back where I had started.
Heading into summer, with not enough workers.
It was going to be a long summer. I had to find a way to get through.

I came home feeling deflated and feeling I like I had wasted my energies and emotions on a dead end.

No time to cry over spilled milk, I thought.
I've got to focus on making the best of it.

And focus I did.
I jumped into the challenge with all engines firing. I left the forms and applying, way in the distance of my mind. It was too overwhelming to think about, to do. I had to focus on the tasks at hand.

So, I left it. Out of sight, out of mind.

Ingredient #7 for a miracle:
Keep asking.

Faith is a muscle that needs exercise and practice.

You are not in control.

You are NEVER out of God's sight and mind. He's got you on His radar.

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 7

To recap from last post:

* We had needed funding for Lindsay

* We had some help, but couldn't find what Lindsay really needed.

* I had lost steam.... fast and hard.

I picked up the phone and called this Bert guy on the business card. How I was able to get to him directly is still a miracle to me. I started at the top. He was compassionate and kind and referred me to a gentleman named John, who was in charge of the Kelowna area and beyond.

When I chatted with John, he informed me that they did not have any homes for respite. They only had full care group homes. They also did not have any day programs available in Kelowna. However, he did say that he would like to meet with me the next time he was in Kelowna, so that we could explore some possibilities that Bethesda may be able to create for Lindsay.

He informed me that in order to have a formal meeting with him, we as parents would have to write a letter of intent that would clearly state that we are looking for Bethesda to provide future care for Lindsay.

This was no small thing. This was a colossal, crying, letting go, giving over, surrender, years of love and care formed into words, kind of letter.

This letter had to clearly stated that we were unable to do this on our own and needed help, and chose Bethesda to be the help. It's not that Bethesda was taking her, but we had to have a very clear letter of intent from us as parents even to pursue this relationship with Bethesda.
I fought this inside my soul. BIG TIME.

And yet, this man John, also knew God as his best friend. We had the same spiritual values. I felt like I could trust this stranger and that he could help us, somehow, someway.

Something made me push forward, even though it was the most heart wrenching letter I have ever written.

If I thought I was worn out before... after writing this letter, I felt like an old soppy dishrag. I had no tears left.

The day for the appointment with John came and off I went to the coffee shop, holding back the dam of emotions within. This was scary.

Maybe I should call it off. 
Maybe this is a bad idea. Why am I so emotional?
What am I doing? God are you here?

There in the middle of the coffee shop, I pulled out the letter and read it aloud to John. Tears were flowing down my flushed cheeks like hot lava on. I could hardly read the words aloud, and had to stop often to compose myself. Right there in the middle of the coffee shop.

This was hard. Almost unbearably hard. And yet I had this deep sense that my best friend was right there with me.

You may be thinking... woah girl... chill... it's just a letter.

But for me it was so much more than that. I didn't even understand the magnitude of what was really going on. I could only see in part, but my heart knew it was a big thing. It was a letter of surrender to God's best. To me, surrender doesn't mean failure. It means submitting to what is best.

Surrender : to relinquish to the control or possession of

Over the years I've developed a saying that captures my thoughts and perspective about surrender.
It's this:

Be willing to be willing.

Ingredient #6 for a miracle:
Be willing to be willing.
When your heart says yes, take the next step. 
Tell your emotions to follow suit and do it afraid.

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 6

Recap from last post:

* I looked like a crazy woman. got mad, blurted a declaration that my child was royalty. 

* Asked for what Lindsay deserved and received it.

* Lived normal life with LOADS of ups and downs in between.

* Had a card... stuffed it in the drawer. Out of sight, out of mind.

* My husband heard something strange and unusual from God and stuffed it into his calendar. Out of sight, out of mind.

The new funding that had now been granted to Lindsay allowed us to live our "normal" life with Sweet Pea. Appointments, therapy, drugs, special feedings every 4 hours, midnight diaper changes, drives in the car - to stop the yelling and keep her calm, booking respite workers so I could get groceries or go out with the family... you know, the normal kind of stuff.

Even though we had this financial provision designated for workers for Lindsay, I could only find one worker. She was a gem, and became one of the family, but one worker was not enough to meet all of Lindsay's needs.

We managed well until March Break. In BC, March Break meant 2 weeks of no school program or stimulus for Lindsay. Those were 2 REALLY long weeks. Most families are off skiing, or playing in the snow or visiting family.  I was trying to find a way to keep sane for 2 weeks while sitting with her as she watched endless hours of Barney. The days were long for her too. When they are long... she starts yelling. She's a smart little thing. If she's bored, she yells, and due to the volume of the yell, someone always comes running! Who needs a bell to ding for service when you have a scream like hers!

I've never been able to figure out how this child, who cannot talk or eat food can manage to have such a ear piercing scream... it's a mystery, and one that makes me laugh and requires a huge amount of grace.

One of those long days, I sat at my desk and my mind began to wander to the summer that would be upon us in only a few short months. Summers were always a challenge for me, Sweet Pea and our entire family. We did not have the luxury of being spontaneous, or having lazy summer days. The first consideration was always:

How can we manage Lindsay today? What will help her be happy and safe?(not restless and yelling).

In Ontario, I had the privilege of working with a government team to establish a day camp for severely delayed children who also had significant medical needs. This created a safe place of stimulus and interaction for many children and respite for the parents. It was a GOD SEND.

Kelowna had NO summer day program for any special needs children, let alone for the high needs that Lindsay had. I would have to come up with my own plan, and limit my respite hours due to the high cost of 1:1 care. Just the thought of it made me feel like I was slipping into a deep dark hole of despair. All of a sudden the past 16 years of care seemed to rumbled down on me like a huge avalanche. I was felt like it was getting harder to find air to breathe, to see the light of day, to survive.

I used to try to find ways to make the best of situations, arrange as best I could and be grateful as I went along.

Today I didn't feel grateful. I felt exhausted. I felt like I was smothering under a huge amount of weight.

I don't think I can do this much more!  I muttered to myself. I'd heard myself say this many a time. Except this time felt different. I felt like all the air had been released out a hot air balloon called my spirit or will.

Buck it up princess.. you can get through this.

And then a moment later:

How am I going to keep doing this? How am I going to get through this summer?

It felt overwhelming. (more than other years).
I needed some help. I felt like I needed a boat load of help.


There must be some help somewhere out there! Somewhere that I hadn't already looked into. 

So far the search had turned up empty.
I would just have to keep looking.

There must be some respite homes or something in this city that I could access and use this funding for day programs for Lindsay, if even for a day or two a week!
I don't even know of any respite or group homes...I don't know anyone here in the system, where on earth would I start? 


That's when I remembered the card that my dad gave me. I carefully opened each drawer, scouring for this little piece of paper.  

Where did I put it? Was it still here? Maybe I threw it out.

That day my drawers got an unexpected spring cleaning, and I found the hidden treasure.

Hmmm, well, maybe I can call this man in Abbotsford and he can recommend a lead.
No harm in asking. And I'm desperate.
 

Ingredient #5 for a miracle:

Ask and seek

Sometimes miracles hide.

More coming tomorrow.
(Stay with me! I promise it will be worth the wait!)

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 5

Recap from last post:

* I was learning about the making of a miracle and some key ingredients
* Lyndsay's pet name now included Princess.. not just Sweet Pea.

* I audaciously blurted and declared that Princess was going to be taken care of, and I had NO   encouragement,  no idea how. It's almost like I was outside of my own body. Who was this illogical   (ridiculous, crazy) woman?

After my meeting with the government, I settled back into the regular routine of life with a family, and a special needs child with no help. Let's just say it was challenging. (often draining, difficult, hard, seemingly endless). You know what I mean by challenging. You've been there. Or you are there. Or you may be there.

There's a lot of enduring and perseverance and a chosen perspective that is written in between the lines of a miracle in the making. It ain't all guns and roses.

It's more like poopie diapers, long days and sleepless nights... just sayin".

It's called process. The big learning that happens between here and there. Remember, it has to seem impossible.

Not long we arrived, my parents took a trip up to Kelowna to visit us. As we chatted one day, my dad pulled out a business card and told me about his discovery on a walk one day. He thought I might be interested in the organization and the services they had to offer. He challenged me to give them a call. After he left, I kept the card on my desk, and with the busyness of life, I eventually stuck it in a drawer for some other time, some other frame of mind. Truthfully, I forgot about it.

A few weeks after we settled into Kelowna, I got a call from the government about my application. You see, despite the bad report from the social worker,  I still presented my case and asked that they would consider a request for the exact same amount of services as what I had received in Ontario.

I wish I could remember more of this part of the story... but I was in survival mode. When you're in survival mode... sometimes things are a little foggy. That's probably a good thing.  Even though you may not remember all the good details... you also don't remember all the bad details.

Here's what I do remember. Long story short.

• We were given access to respite funds, even before the 3 month waiting period was up. 
• Later... (can't remember how much longer... maybe a month or so?) I was given a meeting with the head of the organization and he let me know that we had been approved for the same amount of funding as we had in Ontario.

We were elated, excited, relieved, thankful, grateful, humbled and overall just pumped. We had some relief! Life could become manageable again!

Wow! That talk with God really panned out!! He really did consider her! Ha ha!

The deep inner feeling and bold declaration that she would be taken care of was matched with tangible results.  And I didn't have to labor and fight for it.

Inside, I felt like a kid who is fighting bullies on a playground and in a last minute attempt for survival, screams out:

Oh ya! Well my dad is bigger than your dad!

My Dad showed up and He really was big!  The bullies of doubt and fear and a bad report went scurrying far from my mind that day. I would never forget this. I had some more experience and new found chapter of history with this best friend of mind.

Around the same time, my husband was somewhere (don't ask me where... remember, intermittent fogginess can accompany a season of persevering, process and pressing in).

Anyways, one early morning, my husband was talking to God. This morning had an unusual moment. He felt this huge sense that God was right there with him. Then God said to Him:

On October the 13th, I am going to do something for you.

Ah... excuse me God... what?!

My husband had also found God to be a trusted friend and had become familiar with His voice.......but this was way out there.

October the 13th you are going to do something?!!!
Do you wanna tell me what?

That's all he heard, so he booked an appointment on Oct. 13 in his calendar and wrote:
God is going to do something. 

That was it, he got on with his day, and it went quickly out of his mind.
He never did mention it to me.

Tomorrow, more of the story.

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 4

To recap last post:
*We were moving onto the unknown and a deep sense of knowing that it was right.
*Scary feelings mixed with calm, challenge mixed with.... am I crazy?

As soon as we arrived in Kelowna I had my booked appointment with the government to get the paper work and requests started for Lindsay. I finally got to meet the woman I had spoke to on the phone. She was as positive on the phone as in person. Her job was a tough one. She had to listen to incredible needs and try to help families who were desperate for help with very limited funding and services.

The whole system for special needs children was different. The forms, the process, the language, terms, how you asked ratings scales, etc. Nothing was the same. These type of meetings are always really long, and force you to retell the history of struggles for your child. I had come prepared.

Before arriving, I had worked with my Ontario Social Worker to learn the new wording, and basic structure of requirements for a new provincial system. I practically had a novel of the same information converted into a different language that this system could understand. As well as preparing the forms, I made a call to the head of the organization and got his email address from someone I had met on our house-hunting visit to Kelowna. He knew about Lindsay and he knew I had a meeting booked.

The meeting went as well as these things can go. They are very draining, and really focus on what is not working. This grates on my positivity strength and it's like asking me to dig a ditch in the cold rain for 12 hours straight. Gruesome, tiring, dirty work.

You often walk out of them feeling completely depressed and incapable as a parent. All of the effort you make... is not enough. So, I fight back against it with gratitude. It's one of my secret weapons for survival. It keeps me floating above the water of discouragement. In this place, though tossed by waves, I can breathe, I can see the sun and sky above me.

Throughout the meeting I let the worker know how very grateful we have been over the years for the governments support and I would tell her stories of gratitude and impact.  I meant it. I am forever blessed to live in Canada with a government that cares so well for children with special needs.

At the end of the meeting my worker informed me that Lindsay would be placed on a very long waiting list after we had passed the 3 month waiting period. Then, when her time on the list came up, (which could be many months or a whole year) she may receive some funding to help with her constant care. If she did, it would be only about 5% of what she had been accessing in Ontario. That's just the way it was.

This was a bad report. And that is when something happened inside of me.

It's not like I had never heard bad reports with Lindsay before. They were presented to me a on a very regular basis. I knew how to deal with them and I could find a way to get through.
This time was different. I got mad inside. REAL mad. Not the yelling kind, but the roaring, mother bear kind. The kind where you want to wield a huge imaginary sword and slay a predator.

I felt this uncontrollable surge of indignation and fire well up within my belly and up through my throat. Something took control of me and I courageously and audaciously blurted:

Well.... You see.... You don't understand. My daughter is a princess. 

I smiled and nervously laughed.

We have learned that Lindsay is a princess. She even has the life of a princess.... EVERYTHING gets done for her. 
She doesn't have to feed herself, toilet herself or even wipe her own face, she has personal attendants every single day. 
She's even got her own little chariot (wheelchair) that takes her from place to place.

(Come to think of it....... why on earth was I praying for her to be "normal" like me? She had it made! She was happy and had the life of a princess. I might need to re-look at my perspective of her being normal. But that's for another post.)

I believe in God and He thinks she pretty awesome. She belongs to God and He cares a lot about her.
I don't know how its going to happen, but she IS going to get what she needs. 
God is going to get her what she needs.

I let out a big sigh (from the fire burning in my belly).

The worker just stared at me with a blank stare. She blinked. There was an uncomfortable silence.  I'm sure she thought I was right off my rocker..... probably due to 16 years of high stress.

I had never been this bold before. I had become ridiculous, crazy-bold about NOT KNOWING.
Oh my......

Ah.... ok! she said slowly.

Well, umm...... that's all for today. I'll start the paperwork and I'll be in touch.
She said with a furrowed brow.

Ingredient #5 for a miracle:

Don't take ownership of the solution.

Do your part. Boldly and audaciously declare.
Believe and then leave it... as an impossible situation...... that is WAY beyond you.

Tomorrow... more of the story.

The Making Of A Miracle - Part 3

To recap the last post:

 * We were packed and ready to move... clear across the country from Ontario to BC

 * My Dad went for a walk, stopped in a building, met a man, asked for his card

 1st ingredient for a miracle:

1. Have an impossible situation.We qualified... big time

The moving day had arrived. After my heart warming meeting with the government on the phone in September, I learned that once we moved to BC, we would have to wait for 3 months for a medical services card, that would allow us access to funding for any diapers, formula (as she could not eat food) and medication that Lindsay needed on a daily basis. This was only a small value of around $1500 per month. No big deal.

Being the planner that I am, I stockpiled any leftover formula, diapers and medications to prepare for the lean 3 months ahead with no medical assistance.

There is NO WAY that Lindsay could handle driving across Canada, so I asked the government for extra help. That's when I learned about the 2nd ingredient for a miracle: 

2. Be willing to ask for the impossible.  
You never receive if you never ask. This was probably the greatest learning for me, and one that I needed some practice on in order to be ready for the future miracle.  I had learned to ask for the basic needs, but never above and beyond. 

Sometimes we ask, and nothing happens. I know. I get it. I asked for her to be miraculously healed. I asked that she wouldn't have to endure the 14 surgeries and endless complications and lengthy hospital stays. It didn't happened. 

Sometimes we ask, and we don't get the answer we were looking for. Something comes, just not what we asked for. Sometimes its just enough grace for the day. Sometimes its a new perspective that gives you the ability to overcome. The key is to not stop asking. Just like a kid who keeps asking for that candy bar at the checkout counter while mom is in line paying for the groceries. He knows the answer, but he still asks......hoping and believing.

So, I asked and the government granted special favor for Lindsay to stay in a  respite home in Ontario during the week while we drove West.  On the weekends. a dear friend offered to care for Lindsay.
This is when I learned the 3rd ingredient for a miracle: 

3. When relief and favor or a gift (miracle) comes your way, swallow your pride and say yes.

Don't listen to the lies that say: you have to do this on your own. You have to prove you can. That will disqualify you for a miracle. A miracle means you can't do it, it's beyond what you can do. 

Learning to notice and acknowledge God's provision in day to day life, prepares you for more. He's building a reputation of trust with you. 
Not because He needs to, but because you need the history to be foolish enough to believe for more. 
That's why it's called History.                  
His - Story
Now, back to THE story.

We gathered the troops and stood on the curb, for one final goodbye to our home and life in Ontario.
My wise 14 year old son turned to me, looked me square in the eye, pointed his finger at me and blurted:

Mom, you've got 20 minutes to cry and that's it! We're movin' on!

He was right, we were. We had chosen. We had to stop looking back and move forward to the unknown. I had a deep knowing in my gut that this was right and I had a word from God, my trusted friend, that He would consider Lindsay. What does that actually mean to consider Lindsay?
I had NO idea. Like a blind woman being led by a well trained seeing eye dog, I stepped forward into the unknown, trusting that He would guide me.
Ingredient number 4 for a miracle:

 4. Trust. Believe. Faith. Hope. (Ridiculous, crazy, scary kind)

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Heb. 11

Come back tomorrow for more of the story... 

The Making of a Miracle - Part 2

To recap the last post:

 * My parents moved to Abbotsford, BC (what does this have to do with anything? Just wait... you'll see) 

 * 4 years later, we decided to move to Kelowna, BC. (no where close to my parents) 

 * We had no real steady job, no plan, no provisions for Lindsay's needs.  

 * Ridiculous, crazy, scary, maybe somewhat mental.

Now that the decision was made, I knew I had a go ahead from the big guy in the sky to starting planning and looking into the services that Sweet Pea would need. (I love planning!!)

I started with a phone call.
Bad idea..HUGE.

I spoke to a woman in the government office that said the following encouraging words to me:

• Why are you moving here? Don't move here. It's a bad idea.
• This is the worst province in Canada to move to with a special needs.
• Stay where you are or go to another province.
• There is NO WAY you will get anywhere near the support your are currently receiving.
• You will be placed on a waiting list, and it will be a long one.  Don't do it.

Well.............how inspiring!!
Nice. I thanked the kind (negative, downer) lady and booked an appointment to start the process of application of services at the doomsday province. Couldn't wait to get there.
Now what?

The decision was made, resignations made, friends and family were informed, and all I had to hang onto was this discussion between me and God. Now that's logical! Good thing I had a history to this friendship. He was an honest friend, and had never let me down. I had to lean into His voice with trust and a sense of faith like I had never experienced in my life.

Why oh why had I ever prayed to be bold and courageous???

Could we just rewind the tape, and put everything back to the way it was? You know, rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby?
Nope. Too late.

You never get to a miracle by going back to the way it was.
1st ingredient for a miracle:

1. Have an impossible situation.

So, in the fall of 2005, we started planning and packing for the big scary move. The months of transition proved to be difficult. Transition includes emotions like:

• God, what have I done?
• Why? What is going to happen to me, to us?
• But I will be losing this! I will miss that!
• I can't see anything coming down the road
• I think I might be losing my mind

Since that time, I've done some research on transition and discovered that these are necessary steps in order to truly move forward and advance. Transition also includes things like confusion, doubt and grief. All necessary emotions to fully process and not stuff, in order to truly let go and move forward. I liken transition to something like leaping off a cliff or a trapeze bar into mid air.

If you want to read more about transition, go to this post or to this one.
Once again... I digress... back to the story.

Around the same time as we were packing and saying our goodbye's.. my dad was across the other side of the country out for a walk. One crisp fall day, he decided to take a long walk down the street he lived on. As he scurried along the street, (Yup, my dad scurries, he doesn't stroll, and hence, neither do I. Don't you love it when you can blame one of your annoying traits on your parents?!), he scurried walked by an office called:

Bethesda 
Supporting individuals with disabilities and their families since 1971

Huh!  He thought.
Maybe I should see what this is about.? Maybe they have a place like this in Kelowna? I should go see what this place is about.

So, in he went. My dad's not a shy man. What could it hurt to inquire?

In the office, he introduced himself to a man named Bert. Little did my dad know, but this man was the Director of the Organization. My dad proceeded to introduce himself, tell a brief synopsis of his granddaughter and her needs and the fact that she and her family were moving to Kelowna. He inquired as to whether there were services provided by this organization.
Dad doesn't recall other details of the encounter and it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that my dad asked for this gentleman's card, so that he could let me know about Bethesda. That was it.

Simple as that.
Card received and placed in a spot to keep for when Dad would eventually see me.

Just a simple walk on the street where he lived, noticing a spot, a simple stop, a simple question, and a contact card - from the Director of Bethesda.

Off down the road my Dad went. Enjoying the journey, with a new found piece of paper in his pocket.

Remember yesterday, when I said today was the rest of the story... well, that was a bit inaccurate. It was some of the rest of the story. Tomorrow, is where it gets really good.

The Making of a Miracle Part 1

Disclaimer:

If you're not one for long blog posts, you may want to skip this one. The following is a story of a miracle that I experienced first hand. This spectacular story deserves the full details. (hence the length). Today commemorates 4 years since a miracle began for me. It's time for me to write the story.

I've heard a lot of stories of superstition and doom around Friday the 13th. That's not my experience.

Friday the 13th was a day of a miracle in the making for me. If you don't believe in God, you may want to after reading this story. I do, and since this miracle, will forever be reminded that there is a God and He sees me and cares about my life.

Five years ago, on Friday October the 13th, my entire life journey was about to shift. The miraculous kind of shift. I didn't do anything to deserve it, AND I will be forever grateful.

I was blessed with a gift that many do not receive. A special needs child. A severely developmentally delayed, physically disabled, medically fragile, constant care, pure-hearted, simple-minded, high needs, giggly, gorgeous child. Don't feel sorry for me. She has been the one of greatest gift in my life and has created the most amount of positive change for both myself and my family. She has taught me daily how to choose a perspective that will bring life and hope, despite the odds. She is my life long teacher. Her name is Lindsay. (aka - Sweet Pea).


Where do I begin to tell the story of a miracle in the making?
I'll start with the Master set up.

About 4 years before the miracle, my parents decided to be courageous and adventurous and move far from their life-long stomping grounds and head to Western Canada; to a land of freedom and adventure. Their friends thought they were a wee bit whacked and could not understand how they could no longer be available nearby to support my family and the overwhelming needs of Lindsay. I chose to be excited for them.  I knew deep in my gut that this was the right thing for them to do. I basically told them to get out of town and enjoy their retirement. I had a deep sense that I (we) would be just fine. And we were.

We eventually visited the West too - and fell in love with Kelowna, BC. We felt drawn there and didn't really know why. It wasn't where my parents (or anyone we knew) lived. It just felt like home. But wait - we had a home! What was up? It really didn't make sense. The draw was so strong that we found ourselves thinking about living in Kelowna.

Sounds simple right? Ah, I think not. Not when you have a special needs child. NOTHING is simple, let alone hauling all the way across the country to a new province, social system, health system, school system. A near impossible feat is what it could be.  Here's where it gets exciting (scary, wild, ridiculous, crazy).

I've always been able to talk to God. It sure beats talking to yourself!! He's like my best friend and through the years with Lindsay; He heard A LOT from me and this journey that was chosen for me. He's a great listener.  I've come to learn that He can take anything we need to say to Him and what He likes even more, is to talk back to us. Give it a try some time! Go ahead - yell, scream, talk out loud, in your head, whatever way... just talk and then stop and listen. You'll be surprised at what you hear. I guarantee it. Anyway, I digress, on with the story.

One day, early July 2005, I was talking to God about these ridiculous, crazy feelings we were having about the West. I pointed out to Him that I would just like these thoughts to go away. Didn't He know that it was impossible with Lindsay?
Besides that - I was perfectly happy with where I was. I was grateful. We were content. We had good friends, great jobs and an awesome home. I had just received more funding for Lindsay and was dreaming and creating a long term and plan and "wish-list" for Lindsay's dream home maybe 10 or 20 years down the road.

Why on earth did we have this draw to Kelowna. BC?

This is Ridiculous. Impossible. Crazy. 
And yet... my mind and heart would wander. So -  as usual, I blurted out my thoughts and logic to God one day, while I was sitting on the couch, folding laundry and attending to my sweet pea.

This is what He said to me:

I don't want you to consider Lindsay in the decision to move or not. I'll consider her. Don't you do anything or look into anything for her as you make a decision.  
She is not to be the deciding factor.

Well you might just as well have asked me to cut my legs off and then asked me to run a marathon. EVERYTHING I did in life, whether work or pleasure, included a mandatory consideration of Lindsay.  

Who would watch her? How would I pay for it?

I bore you with the details, but suffice to say, NO activity could occur without considering her needs first. I'm not complaining, it's just the way it was. Through it, I learned to organize, administrate, stretch, manage and advocate in ways that exceeded any formal training.

I asked Him back:
Don't consider her? Don't do or even look into anything? Not even a phone call to inquire? 

He said:
Nope. Don't.  
[insert a BIG, scaredy cat sigh from me]

Was I crazy? Did I hear right? Yup. You see I had become very familiar with His voice. He had earned the status of best friend, because talking to Him kept me sane through hundreds, no, thousands of the longest, most painful, stressful, agonizing days of my life. No... I'm not kidding... He kept me sane. (sometimes by just a hair).

Friends love us like no other -  they "get us". They will listen to us rant and rave and tolerate our faults. They can see things that we cannot and can hold hope for us even when we are hopeless.In that moment, I knew beyond all logic, that I could trust this voice of my best friend.

2 months of agonizing over this mysterious draw to Kelowna ended in our decision. We were going to move. Now what?

The decision was made and I........ had NO plan, no consideration for Lindsay. I had nothing for her. (this coming from the woman who always has a plan).

Tomorrow...... the rest of the story.